Ugh

I don't know if a day goes by that I don't relive some bit of mom's last week in my head.  I think about the last time she held Jake.  And I think about seeing her after she'd been told the news, already a bit doped on morphine.  And I think about her receiving last rights and then her daily deterioration.  How horrible to watch one of the most important people to me go that way.  To see her eyes go blurry with non-recognition morphine/fever haze.  To her scary breathing the day she died.  To know that though she was still breathing, she wasn't there.  I see it over and over.  I hate thinking of her this way.  Yet I know that if I wasn't there for her, I'd be saying how I'm so mad for not being there.  It's a no win situation.  I wanted to be there to support my mom and let her know how much I love her, but I'm so traumatized by it.  I say maybe just going in the blink of an eye is the way to go, so noone has to see you like that.  But then, she got to say goodbye.  I don't know if either is better, really.  But I do know that reliving those days is awful.  I don't want to remember like that and I really want that to be behind me and the thinking of her as the beautiful amazing person she was to begin.

And now my best friend has had to say goodbye to her life partner in much the same way.  I've not talked to her yet as he passed yesterday but I know he was in the hospital for a couple days and the doctors had said he wasn't going to survive.  So she did have to deal with the saying goodbye and watching that amazing life slip away from her, just as my family did.  What a thing to have to have in common with your best friend when we're only 34!  And Stan was just so great, and so great for Kim.  He loved her SO much and my heart is breaking for what she is going through because now I know how it feels.  I'm just so overcome with how shit this is and how hard it is to grieve for Stan and for her when I'm still so affected with the grief in my life. 

And then life goes on.  And we keep on going on.  And my cousin Joe becomes a daddy.  And my choir member will soon become a mommy.  But the pain is still there.  And I go back and forth with my pain for Kim and my pain for me.

One of Those Nights

Well, Jake's keeping us on our toes this week.  We started off 2am Monday morning with a 100.1 fever, which kept him from daycare for the day.  Come to find out yesterday evening... he's got tooth number 3!  I'm kinda guessing they're related.  :)

Last night, daddy got home around 6:45 and Jake started getting snarky about 7.  I thought "teething" so I gave him stuff for that, but it didn't seem to help at all.  So then I though "bottle" which he wouldn't take.  So then I thought "food."  Gave him some dinner and that seemed to calm him... until about an hour and a half after bed time when he started throwing it all back up again.  So maybe we had an upset belly on our hands.  Well, 5 pukes, 4 crib sheet changes, and 3 pj changes later (he was up for some of the pukes so he missed his bed and clothes), we had ourselves and exhausted little boy who just wanted to SLEEP.  He'd pass out inbetween pukes, so we'd put him to bed and it'd start 20 minutes later.  I'm really thinking it was something he ate.  BUT, come 1am it seemed to have resolved, so daddy and I took the leaf of faith and went to sleeeeeep.

I tell ya guys, I think we're pretty lucky.  His pukey night starts at 9:45 and ends just after midnight?  Wow.

So today we're keeping him home from daycare, just in case.  I'm trying to keep him on his daycare schedule (first nap at 9:30, second at 2:30) but I wasn't sure how he'd do considering I let him sleep him.  but so far, no noise from the crib.  We'll see!

So back to work!  Gotta get done what I can while he's sleeping! I also need to start looking at travel cots.  I'm kinda in love with the Samsonite travel pods.  SO cute!!

grief

So I think I may use this blog here to start dealing with my grief. I'm not sure I really want a whole bunch of people I know to read this, and since only a handful of people I know KNOW about this, and I haven't used it in years, it's perfect.

Mom died just over 2 months ago. And today John tagged pictures of her, Carl , dad and me in some of my photos. Well, I looked through them again and seeing her smiling and happy and cancer free just set me off again. It is so un-fecking fair that she had to be taken away from me so young. Yes, it's selfish... yes, she's in a better place, blah fecking blah blah. I want my mother back. I want her on the other end of the phone to talk to her about Jake's first day at day care. I want to send her pictures of her grandson and discuss how big he's getting. I want to talk about Juan and Helena's wedding next month and Yael getting engaged. But I can't do that because she's gone. Sure I can talk to the air, whatever.

I'm just so mad. And I'm not sure how long it'll take for the anger to go away. I don't unleash anger on anyone, but when I think about her being gone, I cry tears of anger and grief. I don't need people to hug me and tell me it's alright. To tell me she's in a better place and not hurting anymore. To give me sad eyes and hope that I'll pour all my grief on them. The idea that I'm not going to see my mother for potentially 60 years (I've I'm blessed to live into my 90's that is), is heartwrenching. And I just wish I could sense her, could feel her. I wish I got the heart in the fog like Linda did from her dad. Or the tinkling of the windchimes like Rob. How I WISH that I could just feel her presence.

And I keep thinking, mom died at 65. That's more than half my current life. When she had me, her life was HALF OVER. What would we do if we knew our life was half over. Is MY life half over? Is ovarian cancer going to kill me at 65 leaving Jake motherless too?

I just wish this pain would go away. Maybe if my mom wasn't so freaking amazing, but she was. And everyone knows it. When over 300 people show up to your calling hours, that says something about your life. She had so much more left to give, it's unfair. And I'm mad.

I am thinking that maybe going to some grief counseling would be good for me. Of course, I'd just cry through it all, starting with in the waiting room. But maybe I should try it anyways. At least I have my blog to spew my thoughts onto.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

candy lesson

Ok, I have been working as a speech therapist for, what, over 6 years now and if there's one thing I've learned it's that kids LOVE M&M's. When I was in TX, I could get a kid to just about anything for one darn piece! And they were brilliant for assessments. So when I moved here, one of the first things I put in my assessment box was a bag of plain M&M's. And I start testing kids. And the M&M's come out. And they look at me like I'm insane. Many of them won't even touch them! What is WRONG with these Irish kids? Turns out, candy is not a universal thing. I've now sadly had to qualify my statement to MOST kids love chocolate. But here, it's not M&M's, it's Buttons. Cadbury Buttons. Picture a flattened Hershey Kiss and then shrink the size and you've got chocolate buttons. I've now had to stock my tool box with those instead.
But they do have something LIKE M&M's here. In my first month of assessments, I came upon this preteen who told me she LOVED Smarties (tell me you picture those rolls of pure colored sugar tablets that you eat last from your Halloween bag). Great! I thought. I've got a few of those from a mixed assortment I picked up for kids who (shudder) don't .... like.... chocolate (did I shudder yet?). So I run to bring some back and the girl looks at me like I'm an alien. But she DID see my tupperware dish of M&M's and have some of those. I'm SO confused! Ok. Turns out that Smarties are the Cadbury (very popular here) version of M&M's, just with harder, more varied and lighter colored sugar shells. AHHHH! I'm finally getting it. Live and learn I suppose. I've even conquered the potato chips are called crisps here conundrum.

How American are you?

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Kissing Test

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I thought I'd come out as Romantic!

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun. A Slave To BDSM 85% Sex God 83% A Romantic 73% Virgin 35% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

Yea yea

Ok, so it's been a while since I've gotten around to writing in my blog. I've been in Dublin now for 8 months and it's been pretty good. I had a lot of Swedish friends, but they've all since graduated and moved back to Sweden. So, I got proactive and have joined a gospel choir. I'm also considering joining this group for Dublin professionals. I went to a get together and had a good time. I've also been introduced to Book Crossing! I LOVE this site! Here's my bookshelf: www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/jwetter. There's an Ireland Book Crossing group that meets monthly and I attended the August meeting. It was a lot of fun... bunch of reading geeks talking about books, what could be better! I'll probably be spending my 30th birthday talking about books with them. Ah well, I'll take the night before for some serious bar time.
This past weekend, my family was in town. It was SO great to have them here! WE took the Viking Splash Tour and I took photos of all of us. I'll be posting them, with out nicknames.
Work is starting to get crazy again, and I've begun doing more assessments and I have to say I'm getting pretty sick of writing reports. Ah well, it's for the kids, right?

Sharing one (of many) toast 

Pillage 

Wreak 

Rage 

Havoc 

Bubbles 

My Yahoo Group

If you want to join my yahoogroup to hear more about what I'm doing in Ireland, click below. I don't put everything on here that I put on my yahoogroup.



Click to join IrishJenny

Me and some of my new Swedish friends here in Dublin 

Gmail

Does anyone want a GMail account? I've got craploads of them. If you do, send me an e-mail: jenniferwetter at gmail dot com.