I don't want to talk about it...

But I will! Ok, it wasn't as bad as all that, but I suppose, now that I've got a moment and am listening to Man of La Mancha (Jen yippie music), I'll give you details of my trip so far. I left Syracuse pretty much on time, with no hitches. It was really hard saying goodbye to everyone. I was put on this TINY aircraft that I hadn't seen the likes of since traveling with Dad too and from Idaho when I was a child. It was 9 "rows" long with only 2 seats per row. Once I saw there was only about 5 of us on the flight, I grabbed the only row with three seats together, the very last one. I ran into a woman from Poland who asked me to help her find her gate in Boston. Since I had a 4 hour layover, and she had an hour, I agreed to help her out. So, we get to Boston, I lug my baggage (only the carryons, thank God) to Terminal E with my Polish companion. Luckily, we were both leaving from the same terminal. Once we get to the terminal, I check to see where she is to go, as well as me. And what do I see next to my Flight... Cancelled! Ha ha, good joke there. So, since I don't have my next boarding pass, I have to help my charge as far as the next security point, where the nice security man with what sounded like a Polish accent had to help her with directions to her gate. I took off to the Aer Lingus counter to see what's up.I ended up speaking to Ryan (? who cares, he was cute) who told me that yes, in fact, my flight WAS cancelled. Apparently, two planes parked in Dublin were blown into each other by an uncharacteristic whirlwind! Apparently, 2 planes must be their entire fleet because life stopped for Aer Lingus (my internt who was suppose to arrive today has been left in the lurch because of this too!). So,I was sent over to the Hilton which is attached to Terminal E. They gave me a VERY nice, king sized bed room all to myself and food voucehrs. Not such a bad deal, right? Well, then we find out at 10 PM, that at 10 AM the next day, we are going to be BUSSED to JFK Airport in NYC! ACK! Ok, so we do it, take th 4 hour bus ride over. Then we sit in a LOOOOONG line for 3 hours waiting to get our new ticket. We take off almost 24 hours after the original flight was supposed to leave. This was the SMALLEST large plane I have ever been in (Aer Lingus had to charter a flight with World Airlines to get us there)! If you ever come visit me, please use a different airline if you can. I could not move an inch in my seat! We arrive in Shannon, Ireland around 6 am, and then fly to Dublinto arrive about 8 am. My first day in Dublin consisted of sleeping, unpacking, reading, more sleeping, freshening up (my hot water heater wasn't on yet and I couldn't see anything in the closet to make it work because apparently apartments don't believe in lights), having dinner with Tara and Mark (boss and hubby), checking in with Dan and Mom, passing out. I was able to wake up late the next day (yesterday)though, and have beaten jetlag surprisingly well. Tara and I spent most of yesterday doing shopping for the classroom, and she took me over to see the place. No bad, a little echo, but nothing I can't work with. My office has an old yellow shag rug in it that Tara was thinking of making them tear up for me, but after I told her that it reminded me of the run from my parents home, she decided it was a good sign and said we needed to keep it, at least for now. We'll see how long it lasts. :) My classroom has a statue of Mary in it which I figured Grandma would love. It also has huge windows which are a nice contrast to my old offices and the claustroboic feelings they brought.The school, St Mary's Secondary School, also has a little stage in the gym. I'm toying with the idea of having my speech kids perform some shows. I bought some flannel sheets for my bed and they were WONDERFUL to sleep in when Tara and I went out shopping. I've come to the conclusion also that I'll need to buy a hairdryer and such. Those converter/transformer things really aren't all they're cracked up to be. Today I spent the day calling parents to schedule assessments. It went pretty well and hopefully we'll finish up tomorrow so I can get over to the office/classroom and start setting up.I really haven't done much in the exploration department. I might go with Tara to a Toastmasters meeting tomorrow. Since I very well might be doing a bunch of public speaking, it might not hurt for me to get involved with this group. Tara also told me about a really great church choir to look into joining as well as a gospel choir. That would be a lot of fun! I sent out a few e-mails today for possible roomates. I hope to get that settled soon. But I believe that's it for about now. It's 7:50 here, and I should grab some dinner. One good thing is I have gotten a lot of exercise since coming here. My dorm's (oh,I HAVE to take a picture of the "bathroom" for you to see!) on the 3rd floor and has the only elevator that usually doesn't like to work. It's like having a free stairmaster! :) I hope the new year is finding everyone well. Oooh ooh! I have put some pictures up on the irishjenny website: http://photos.groups.yahoo.com/group/IrishJenny/lst . I'll make sure to add more as I take more.

Brent sang "Hit Me Baby, One More Time," with backup singers Jesse and Rashna at Humperdinks 

Wayne, the Cher impersonator, and me at Mickey's 

Me as one of the very first Dallas "Townies" in Little Old Dallas. I'm lovin' the bonnet. 

It's my birthday!!!

Da na na na na!

Ok, I have to say that I really have had a FABULOUS first 29th birthday! I didn't go to work on Friday... called in sick. That rocked. And that evening was the first performance for "Little Old Dallas!" We won't go there. Saturday night a whole bunch of people met up with me at Humperdinks for karaoke after "LOD." We had a great time! Then Sunday was the final show of "LOD," followed by dinner at Blue Goose and a cast party at Romi and Patricks. Very much fun and I really enjoyed creating a five minute version of the muscial that was quite entertaining. After the cast party, Jesse, Ciro and I headed off to Mickey's for more karaoke! Jesse and I made it into the finals and I won! Not by vote, mind you, but luck of the draw, but it was still very cool. I sang "Popular" from Wicked, and then "All That Jazz" from Chicago for finals. Jesse branched out and sang some country ("The Dance") and, oh hell I don't remember what his finals song was, but I remember it rockin'! Ciro made all the men drool over him by singing "Criminal." Tee hee! Wayne, the Cher impersonating drag queen who hosts the karaoke, sang me "Happy Birthday" ala Marilyn Monroe and Noel the bartender gave me a rose. I was on a cloud! I even gave my number to a guy, but then realized he might be interested in me (I found out he was straight). I didn't get a chance to tell him about Dan, so I made Ciro pretend to be my boyfriend in hopes that he's get it. He was way cool, though. I did get in that I'm moving to Ireland in January. But of course, he called today! Am I wrong, but doesn't it meant that someone's interested in you if they call you the day after you give them your number? I guess I'll have to say something nicely too him. Hopefully we can hang out and keep it at that.
Alright! So then there's today.... mY bIrThDaY!!!
I got to sleep in today because it was a staff development day, and since I'm contract, I didn't have to work! Dand and I ate at Suma Veggie Cafe and then I went off and got a pedi-mani. Yea. I also found a place that does $29 hour-long massages by interns, so I got one of those...wonderful! Finally, Stacey ended up taking me out to dinner at Zorba's (yummy greek food). It was really great.
I am now on the phone with Lizzie-Pooh. I haven't talked to her in so long! So, I'm going to go and talk to her and give her my full attention. Yea birthday!

Helen in San Angelo 

you MUST shop here!

http://www.nosweatshop.com

Everything on this site was made by 100% union! Love it! I got me some pink sneakers and a Rosie the Riveter t-shirt. You can also sign up for their newsletter.

too much to title

Well, there's been a lot going on and I haven't typed in a while. Did I mention yet that I'm taking a beginning tap and jazz classes? I had the first one a week ago and it was a lot of fun. I now own my very own pair of tap shoes! Yea! If you ever have a hankerin' for cheap tap shoes for yourself, you can get them at www.dannyswarehouse.com .
I had to miss my class yesterday because I was preparing for a friend's memorial service...well party, really. Ken Roberts, a man I knew from working at Faubion Middle School, died last week. I believe it was due to his diabetes that he'd battled for decades. I really liked Ken. My first year, he would talk to me like a human being! He was alway on the level with me, and when our rooms were right next to each other's, we'd chat in the hallway. I always had a lot of respect for Ken, and I'm sad that he's gone. I sang at his party. "Rose Colored Glasses," a country song I never knew before Friday was the tune. It was one of his favorites and the song he danced with his daughter to at her wedding. I'll miss you, Ken.
Moving on, work has begun again. Tomorrow is the last teacher work day and then the kids come on Tuesday! Hopefully I'l lhave my e-mail up and working again. It's frustrating not being able to check my e-mail at work. I did what I was told this summer and resigned from my position because I'll be leaving in January for Ireland. What I was to do was to stay as a contract employee for the remaining time. Well, my wonderful supervisor (I'm not being sarcastic here, she really is wonderful) called me today and apparently, the boss-lady asked her how come I resigned and didn't we know that I could just break my contract halfway through the year? ARGH!!! My supervisor was just telling me to do what she was told I was SUPPOSED to do and now I'm being told I didn't NEED to resign by the lady who told me TO resign. Growl, big time. I'm not mad at Jane, and I'm taking this all in stride, because I still have a job, and I'm getting paid all the same. It would just be really nice to not have to worry about getting onto Dan's insurance for 5 months. Hopefully it'll all be worked out soon.
Coming back to work has been a little tough because I have to tell people over and over again, "Yes I got the job. I'm moving in January. Dan? He's not coming, but I've decided to take it as it comes and if we're meant to be, it'll work out." Over and over again! Well, it's the nature of people. I still have a lot of stuff to get to Tara for Ireland. It's a big pain to get everything she needs to get me certified and able to work there. Blah!
A week ago today was the last performance of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." I meant to write about it earlier, I just never did. It went really well and I'm sad it's over. It was tough, standing in the wing right before curtain, thinking that this is my last performance in the US for a very long time and that it might be my last show for over 2 years. I would love to do one more show before moving, but I really need to focus on creating a top notch speech therapy program. I'm going to see if I can get trained by the Hanen Program and not reinvent the wheel if possible.
Lastly, I think, is my best friend Helen. She is now in Texas for 4 months with the air force. I'm going to see her this weekend! I'm going to leave after my dance classes and spend Saturday night and Sunday morning and afternoon with her. I haven't seen her in, I think, 3 years. I'd love to have Dan come with me, but he might have to work.
I think that's it for now. I'm sure as soon as I click "submit" I'll think of something else. :)

not much for tonight

As I said, I'm trying to be good and put in posts more often. Had dress rehearsal for my show tonight. It went pretty well... no major fuckups, which is good. I put my candle that I bought at the psychic fair at my spot... it's a focus candle. Figured it's not a bad idea to have some focus while you're performing... it really sucks when you drift off on stage and then you almost miss a cue or something.
I'm doing mist on tanning in order to look more "Egyptian." It's a pain in the butt, but effective for the show.
OOOH! Don't eat Steak N Shake onion rings! I burnt my lip on one and got a 2nd degree burn! Blister and everything. The manager of the store said that corporate was going to call and talk to me but I haven't heard from them yet. I think I'll call the higher up manager if I don't hear from them soon. I just want to be reimbursed for my doctors visit...the doc drained my lip blister... fun!
And here are a couple new fun words and phrases that I have to remember... I'm sure you can figure out what they mean: vomitatious, stomache funkies and, oh crap, what the hell was that word from IHop. Maybe Ciro or Jesse will remember. It's too late for me to remember anything. :)

sick of the drama

My best friend is breaking up with her other best friend. For some reason, their relationship age never left high school, so alot of that annoying drama you got back then, is still around over 10 years later. I sent them a scathing e-mail telling them to grow up and stop talking smack about each other to everyone and their grandmother's dog and to be the bigger person. Right now, I don't freakin care if they hate me. I'm too annoyed with them to give a fuck.

A bit of advice... when someone comes and bitches to you about someone else... keep it to your damn self! AND, if you have a desire to bitch about someone... tell someone who's not friends of the other person too. Come on people!!

On a totally different subject, I burnt my lower lip at Steak N Shake last night. I now have a blister on my lower lip. Popping it would not be the best idea. I'm trying to decide if it's worth seeing a doctor about. I immediately complaing to the SnS manager.... why should an onion ring have to be SCALDING hot... i'm serious, I now have a blister burn. I'm going to talk to their head honcho today and make them pay for the burn ointment and any dr's fees if I go. I just want other's to be careful if they go their... stay away from the onion rings of death!

Me as "Soul Sista" for Jesus Christ Superstar...May 2004 

dole it out

So, I had a talk with God tonight.  On the way back from seeing Catwoman, we had a little chat.  I'm 99% sure Dan's not coming to Ireland with me.  He told me yesterday that him and his friend from law school signed a lease for an office.  That means he's now tied here.  He had told me a few days before that he had thought of telling Andy "no," and that he didn't want to break my heart.  I told him that if he only came to Ireland to not break my heart, that he would end up being resentful, and I would rather have a broken heart and an unresentful exboyfriend then be miserable in Ireland with a resentful boyfriend.  Either way I lose, really. 
I think anyone who every reads my stuff probably thinks Dan is a horrible, horrible guy.  He's really not.  He's just another in a line of loves that doesn't love me enough.  I beat myself up about it sometimes.  I'm not right enough for him to want to marry me.... or even just ask!  I am really good at finding the guys who love me and lose me and then find someone right after me who they'd say I'd like because we're SO much alike, and hey, we're getting married!  Fuck that.  No, Dan's not done anything like that.  He is a really good man.  Just not for me, I guess.  That's unfortunatly my mantra when I sense a relationship ending...But not for me.  Do you know the song?  It's Gershwin:
Old man sunshine listen you, never tell me dreams come true
Just try it, and I'll start a riot
Beatrice Fairfax don't you dare, ever tell me he will care
I'm certain, it's the final curtain
I never want to hear from any cheerful Polly Anna
Who tells you fate supplies a mate;  it's all bananas
They're writing songs of love, but not for me
The luck stars above are not for me
With love to lead the way, I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee
I was a fool to fall and get that way
Hey ho alas, and all so lack-a-day
Although I can't dismiss the memory of his kiss
I guess he's not for me
He's knocking on a door, but not for me
He'll plan a two-by-four, but not for me
I know that love's a game, I'm puzzled just the same
Was I the rock or flame, I'm all at sea
It all began so well, but what an end
This is the time a fella needs a friend
When every happy plot ends with the marriage knot
But there's no knot for me

Yea, pretty pathetic isn't it?  Anyways, I said earlier that I had a talk with God.  I did.  We talked about how I really am lucky in the broad perspective.  And I also prayed for my friends Renee, who was hurt badly in a freak boating accident, my friend Jessie, who was killed in a car accident recent and her family and for all the pain and suffering in this world, especially in Iraq with this stupid-ass fucking war.  Sorry, lost my temper a bit.  Anyways, I really am lucky to have so many people who love and support me.  So I decided it's time for me to give it back to them.  I told God not to give me any more "true loves."  It's OK if I never have one again, because I've HAD them.  Four men have loved me very much, and the important part, I loved them.  So why should I use up any more of the share of loves?  I told God to give them away to the people I love who could use a lasting relationship.  Kim, Yael, Brent, Lizzie-Pooh, Joelle, Summer, Jesse, Ciro, Alan, DAN (yes, I want him to find someone he can live the rest of his life happily with), Helen (to work it out and be happy with her man), Duckie, Monique, Josh, Mike L, Mike S and Steve-oh.  I'm sure I'm going to get struck down because I'm missing someone, and that I'm probably spreading it a little thin, but heck, everyone deserves love.
We also decided that maybe I don't need marriage.  I still intend to have children.  My plan was always to give birth but to also adopt.  Ok, so what if I don't give birth?  I can still adopt.  What's wrong with that?  And, so we decided that I'm going to give Ireland a year and see where I am then.  If I'm doing well, then I can start looking in Ireland for someone to adopt.  I don't see why I have to limit myself to America.  I do still see myself as a child, even if I am 28, but by January of 2006 (which would be one year in Ireland), I'll be almost 30.  I really am not a child, I just see myself as one.  I guess we all do in some ways.  I can't imagine at this point in my life, having full responsibility over someone other than myself.  I know I COULD do it, I just can't really imagine it.  I'll grow up some time, it's just hard getting used to the idea that I won't necessarily be following the path of love, marriage, kids that one is supposed to follow.  How about kids=love?  I like that path too.  Just give me time. 
I guess I should get my butt to bed.  Mike L said he's coming for a visit for the weekend, which means I have to get my apartment clean... a very monstrous task if you know me... which I'm sure you don't as I don't think anyone I know knows I have this blog.  Well, Jesse knows I HAVE a blog, but he doesn't know what my name is.  I'm sure Dan might read this as he and I do share a computer and he might see the site in this history, but if he reads it, I can't imagine surprising him too much.  Maybe I should write more.... 

Me and "bud" Christian 

summer insomnia and big boob bras

So I've found that it's impossible for me to fall asleep before 3 am during the summer.  It's going to screw me up completely come the beginning of the new school year.  But, this summer has been great.  I love rehearsing for Joseph (and the Amazing technically drenched) but it's kicking my butt.  I suppose that's a good thing, considering how big my butt really is. 
Went bowling for a friend's b-day last night and bowled a record 159!  My theory is that the blacklights did it.  This bowling alley had blacklights along the ceiling that illuminated dashed lines along the lanes which made it really easy to get strikes.  Couldn't match it my second game, but who cares, I got a turkey!! (3 strikes in a row) 
I've decided to take introductory tap and jazz classes, which means hunting down tap shoes.  I found a cheap place called Danny's Warehouse (www.dannyswarehouse.com).  I bought tap shoes for $10.  Hopefully, they won't suck.
AND, as for bras!  I have been dealing with the inherent LACK of supportive bras for large chested women since starting Joseph.  I am in every dance number and I do a LOT of jumping around.  Thank God for Enell bras!  I just discovered them and can now jump up and down without the fear of knocking myself unconscious with my breasts (www.enell.com).  They're $54, but worth every penny.
Alright, time to attempt to fall asleep reading a book. 

bad dream

Had a "bad dream" last night.  Well, bad dream for a girlie girl.  Dreamt I was at my wedding but nothing was planned.  No music, no dress, no hairdo, no flowers, no vows, nuthin.  I felt powerless.  I am not one who likes to feel powerless.  I wonder if that means I subconsciously feel powerless in my life right now.  Well, I guess maybe I do regarding Dan.  I've asked him to come to Ireland with me, on the condition of engagement.  I would hate for him to come all the way to Ireland for us to break up.  That would suck for both of us.  He still hasn't decided what he's going to do, and regarding that, I guess I do feel powerless.  The dream really does make sense to me from this angle.  Not too difficult to interpret.  I have until January with him, and then who knows.  He says he'd be miserable without me, and that's comforting, but he still hasn't made up his mind and to me actions (or inactions) speak louder than words.
In other-land, my musical is coming along nicely.  I feel like a need a 3 hour full body massage, though.  All this dancing is really good for me, I know, but tired the hell out of me.  I'm having trouble getting comfortable enough to sleep.  That could be attributed to it being summer and I've screwed up my sleeping schedule, going to bed at 3 am and such.  Ah well, unfortunately, summer's almost over and work will begin again soon.
I am looking forward to performing "Joseph..." though.  It should be very good and it's nice to have a lead.  This might be my last show before Ireland.  I know I'll have time to do another show, but I really should work on creating the speech therapy program that I have to direct once I get to Ireland.  Any suggestions?  :) 
 

ireland

So I leave on June 7 to go to Ireland for a job interview! Mom's meeting me in NY and we're flying over together. In many ways, I'd really love to get this job, though I don't know if I'm really truly ready for something this big. I'd have to try, though, it'd be amazing. So, would my boy come with me. I just don't darn know. Saturday and onto Sunday morning I was saying, this is it. Once our lease is up, I'm outta here, can't handle it. Then Sunday afternoon he's all wonderful. I just don't know. I should probably get while the gettin's good, I just worry about him... a lot. Which I don't like, but I worry, that's my job. He tells me this morning he really does appreciate me for everything I do. And he's also said many times that he probably would have ended it all had it been for me. So that puts me in a tight spot, eh? I know leaving him is probably the best thing to do for me, BUT what about him. I just don't know. I don't think he's manipulating me but I do worry that if I left him, he would feel he didn't owe anybody anything anymore and would end his life the next time his career hit another brick wall.
Well, all I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy life as best I can, especially Ireland! I can't wait to take a ferry to the Aran Islands! Sigh. It'll be nice to have this break.

on the cusp of a breakup?

So I just don't know what to do. I love him dearly, but it seems to me like it's never going to happen. We're going to continue exactly how we are because he can't decide on what to do. Well, he's basically waiting and has me there waiting right next to him. So do I just wait out the rest of our lease and then go to Ireland without him? That's a ways a way and I'm suffering right now. I don't know if he realizes that i'm suffering this much. I usually push into the back of my mind his possible obligations, but I can't this time. He told me this summer, give me until the end of the year. And I said, oh, our 2 year anniversary's on Feb 23rd, you can have until then... jokingly. Well, end of the year has come and gone. 2 year is about to come up and I doubt he even remembers the conversation. And he keeps on talking about his v-day present to me, which I'm sure will only make me cry because it's not what I truly want. So I'm back to where I am every time I sense that a relationship I'm in isn't going to make it to the next level. But Not For Me keeps running through my head and I'm stuck in a perpetual state of self pity. I would gladly say yes if only he would ask, like I know he thinks I deserve. But if he's not going to because of whatever reason, he'd better damn well figure it out soon.
And I know it's not that he doesn't want to be with me the rest of his life. I know he does, but I also know his desire to right the wrongs might just keep us from being together, just because the way he helps isn't a way I think I can do it. I can support him, I can love him, but that's about it. So what do I do? Is it over? Is he going to let me stick around until I decide to leave and hurt HIM? And how do I say these things to him? I'm sure he's wondering why I'm bothering to stay around. Is this what my life is destined to be like? Someone who finds man after man who needs her love, but only until she can tell him what he needs to do to find his happiness, ending with her broken heart, him free and the cycle ready to begin all over again.
Well, I'm pretty sure that by this summer (a year after his proclamation), nothing will have changed. He may have a better job, and I'll be offered the job in Ireland. Then what do I do? Seems to me that I'll go by myself and take that year to try, yet again, to mend my broken heart. So it's just 4 more months of purgatory before the hell begins. And of course, the thinking it's coming makes it all worse. I guess all I can do right now is go through all the boxes that we just packed to move into our new place, and try to throw out as much as possible, so when the move comes, I'll have less to drag along with me.

i wanna dyson!!

So I met the creator of the dyson vacuum cleaner last night, James Dyson. And it wasn't a huge schpiel about buying one! He was actually quite an interesting person, and I got to drink REALLY good wine! Yippie! Also, I got to hang out with my friend Summer, who I was finally getting a chance to spend more time with. And then, watching Friend's tonight, what type of vaccine cleaner did Monica have? A dyson my friends! Whee. Well, needless to say, I really want one now. Not like it would make ME much cleaner, but it's a pretty vacuum cleaner.

i win

So I figured out how to add a title to my posts... yea for me!

My man is driving me crazy!!! He's now apologizing, and so it's hard to stay mad, though he's not done anything BAD. Just kind of stand-offish and saying that he thinks I'm not taking this moving thing seriously... although who began searching for a place to live first... ME! So then I start talking about when we can go and look at places and he's like, "eh, well, whatever." Ok, so now who's not taking it seriously.. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!! It really drives me nuts sometimes... and of course it's hard to say anything because he'll ask for details and of course I don't have as good a memory as him, and I can't hold a candle in a debate with him, so how am I supposed to get him to see how I feel when I can't win! Maybe I need to stop falling in love with smart guys and stick with the monosyllabic, but extremely pretty versions.... nah, then I'd be bored. Damned if you do...
And yes, I am very nervous about getting everything done. He doesn't always realize that I internalize my feelings most of the time, so one doesn't always know what I AM feeling or worrying about. And how can I worry verbally when I know it'll set him into a funk and get him more depressed. Vicious circle is what it is and it can suck sometimes.
As for other things, I had a meeting for the McKinney Relay for Life and it went well, although everyone talks forever and I got out 30 min late, when most of it doesn't pertain to me. But they gave us committee members a R4L windbreaker to wear and it got me excited. Ok, that sounds a bit materialistic, but I think it was more of the "we all look alike now and are solidified in our purose" thing.
I should be finishing my end of the year letter to family and friends, but it's getting late, and that's what work's for, right? :) I wonder how I'd go about getting Oprah over here with her swarm of organizing experts to clean my house. Hmmm, maybe I'll have to work on that for my next apartment.