Happy Birthday Mom

Well, today is mom's 66th birthday.  Only SIXTY SIX.  And she's not here to celebrate it with us.  Rob was with me when the clock hit midnight.  This sucks all over again now.  And I just found out my friend Heather's mother died too.  I didn't know she was on hospice care since January.  I'm guessing she didn't say anything as I had just lost my mom.  I'm really not enjoying having so many mom's dying.  There should be a law against it.  And it's hard to comfort someone when you know what's ahead.  I know the pain, I know that it doesn't get better. 

I know my mom wouldn't want me feeling like this.  She wouldn't want me upset over her repeatedly.  But I just can't help it.  I can't stop being upset for my loss.  She left ME.  She left Jacob.  She left her husband.  She left my brother.  She left so many people and we've all got this huge hole in our hearts now.  If even it could be filled, just a little bit. 

So mom, happy birthday.  I love you more than words can ever express and I miss you more than anything.

Mother's Day

The other day I passed a sign advertising for Mother's Day.  My initial reaction was anger towards having to celebrate this holiday on my first Mother's Day as a mom and as my first Mother's Day without my mom.  The one spoils it for the other.  Makes me hate Mother's Day.  But in Ireland, Mother's Day is in March.  So I'm going to celebrate it in March with my family but then I'm going to hate the one in May.  Well, I already do hate the one in May. 

This year of firsts has been so bittersweet.  Our first baby born, our first Anniversary, our first Christmas without mom, Jake's first birthday soon, the first time we have to celebrate mom's birthday without her, my first mother's day...my first mother's day without mom....