Hard Day

Rob's mom has been in town since Easter Saturday to celebrate the holiday with us.  It is now the Thursday after Easter.  Sunday was ok, Jacob was ill and I took him to the hospital to make sure it was just a vomiting bug.  It was also Rob's birthday.  So we didn't really celebrate Easter like we were going to.  Monday was nice.  We tidied the house and had a nice birthday dinner for Rob and some of our friends.  Jacob was mostly better.  Tuesday was alright, but I could tell MIL was starting to get antsy.  Yesterday Rob and I were really ill... was it Jacob's illness or birthday dinner leftovers, who knows.  MIL said she was sick too so maybe leftovers.  So yesterday was spent in bed.  Today, though, I'm feeling much better, physically.  But Rob's still hurting.  So I'm in charge of MIL and baby.  And I didn't get an important work target completed because of our illnesses and a superior is pissed at me, which stresses me out.  Plus the fact that I just don't suck up my illness and push through bothers my superior.  I would say business peer but at the moment, I don't feel like we are equals.  I very much feel like a subordinate, considering she is "very disappointed."  And all I can think is, I'm not like her, when I'm sick, I take care of it instead of get sicker.  But this target was really important.  So I'm stressed.  And I miss my mom.  And I'm home dealing with Rob's mom who wants to go home but she can't because Rob is too ill to take her home (4 hour bus journey) and I have to work and mind the baby at the same time.  And I'm not sure how to talk to my superior/peer.  I'm just blathering at the moment.  But just now I was sending my receipts to our book keeper and had to send the receipt for my trip from home back to Dublin... the flight I took away from my home town after mom died.  Which brought back those emotions.  So yea, it's been a hard day.

Happy Birthday Mom

Well, today is mom's 66th birthday.  Only SIXTY SIX.  And she's not here to celebrate it with us.  Rob was with me when the clock hit midnight.  This sucks all over again now.  And I just found out my friend Heather's mother died too.  I didn't know she was on hospice care since January.  I'm guessing she didn't say anything as I had just lost my mom.  I'm really not enjoying having so many mom's dying.  There should be a law against it.  And it's hard to comfort someone when you know what's ahead.  I know the pain, I know that it doesn't get better. 

I know my mom wouldn't want me feeling like this.  She wouldn't want me upset over her repeatedly.  But I just can't help it.  I can't stop being upset for my loss.  She left ME.  She left Jacob.  She left her husband.  She left my brother.  She left so many people and we've all got this huge hole in our hearts now.  If even it could be filled, just a little bit. 

So mom, happy birthday.  I love you more than words can ever express and I miss you more than anything.

Mother's Day

The other day I passed a sign advertising for Mother's Day.  My initial reaction was anger towards having to celebrate this holiday on my first Mother's Day as a mom and as my first Mother's Day without my mom.  The one spoils it for the other.  Makes me hate Mother's Day.  But in Ireland, Mother's Day is in March.  So I'm going to celebrate it in March with my family but then I'm going to hate the one in May.  Well, I already do hate the one in May. 

This year of firsts has been so bittersweet.  Our first baby born, our first Anniversary, our first Christmas without mom, Jake's first birthday soon, the first time we have to celebrate mom's birthday without her, my first mother's day...my first mother's day without mom....

Not any better

Mom has a facebook page and every once in a while her page will come up on the side of my home page, or in the 'shared friends' section on a friend's profile.  And there's her smiling face to remind me that she's not around anymore. 
Yes, every day, often more than once a day, I think of her and get upset all over again.  Typically when I'm alone or driving in the car with Jacob.  The same thoughts run through my head over and over and I relive it all over again.  And I'm still angry and I still wish I could give up everything to have her back.  And I feel guilty because I'm angry that Rob gets his mom while I don't.  And that his mom is crazy and mine was awesome, so now Jake gets the crazy grandma instead of the awesome one.  And that's horrible to think cause I wouldn't wish this pain on my husband in a million years.  But there you have it.

JERKS

Ok, I WAS going to write about mom, but now I'm sufficiently pissed off to write about something else, then get back to work.  I was just told that my gospel choir couldn't perform at a craft market because we sing RELIGIOUS MUSIC!  Feck sake people! It's a GOSPEL CHOIR, of course it sings religious music!  Although I prefer to call it inspirational.  Religion is for cardinals and rabbi's.  Inspiration is for us all.  What kind of stick is up these people's butts.  People ENJOY our music, they DANCE to our music!  And we're freaking good.  Close minded jerks.  I'm so SICK of closed minded jerks in this world!

Here's what I wrote them:

Hi XXXX,

I thought being a gospel choir it was obvious we sang religious music.  That being said, we are a choir that accepts all religions and beliefs and we don't prejudice based on people's beliefs.  I'm sorry that you feel you have to exclude us because we sing gospel music especially as many of our songs are also very popular, like I Will Follow Him from Sister Act and Down the the River to Pray.  We strive to inspire and lift people up with energetic and uplifting music.  I'm sorry you see a problem with that.

Good luck,
Jennifer

Ugh

I don't know if a day goes by that I don't relive some bit of mom's last week in my head.  I think about the last time she held Jake.  And I think about seeing her after she'd been told the news, already a bit doped on morphine.  And I think about her receiving last rights and then her daily deterioration.  How horrible to watch one of the most important people to me go that way.  To see her eyes go blurry with non-recognition morphine/fever haze.  To her scary breathing the day she died.  To know that though she was still breathing, she wasn't there.  I see it over and over.  I hate thinking of her this way.  Yet I know that if I wasn't there for her, I'd be saying how I'm so mad for not being there.  It's a no win situation.  I wanted to be there to support my mom and let her know how much I love her, but I'm so traumatized by it.  I say maybe just going in the blink of an eye is the way to go, so noone has to see you like that.  But then, she got to say goodbye.  I don't know if either is better, really.  But I do know that reliving those days is awful.  I don't want to remember like that and I really want that to be behind me and the thinking of her as the beautiful amazing person she was to begin.

And now my best friend has had to say goodbye to her life partner in much the same way.  I've not talked to her yet as he passed yesterday but I know he was in the hospital for a couple days and the doctors had said he wasn't going to survive.  So she did have to deal with the saying goodbye and watching that amazing life slip away from her, just as my family did.  What a thing to have to have in common with your best friend when we're only 34!  And Stan was just so great, and so great for Kim.  He loved her SO much and my heart is breaking for what she is going through because now I know how it feels.  I'm just so overcome with how shit this is and how hard it is to grieve for Stan and for her when I'm still so affected with the grief in my life. 

And then life goes on.  And we keep on going on.  And my cousin Joe becomes a daddy.  And my choir member will soon become a mommy.  But the pain is still there.  And I go back and forth with my pain for Kim and my pain for me.

One of Those Nights

Well, Jake's keeping us on our toes this week.  We started off 2am Monday morning with a 100.1 fever, which kept him from daycare for the day.  Come to find out yesterday evening... he's got tooth number 3!  I'm kinda guessing they're related.  :)

Last night, daddy got home around 6:45 and Jake started getting snarky about 7.  I thought "teething" so I gave him stuff for that, but it didn't seem to help at all.  So then I though "bottle" which he wouldn't take.  So then I thought "food."  Gave him some dinner and that seemed to calm him... until about an hour and a half after bed time when he started throwing it all back up again.  So maybe we had an upset belly on our hands.  Well, 5 pukes, 4 crib sheet changes, and 3 pj changes later (he was up for some of the pukes so he missed his bed and clothes), we had ourselves and exhausted little boy who just wanted to SLEEP.  He'd pass out inbetween pukes, so we'd put him to bed and it'd start 20 minutes later.  I'm really thinking it was something he ate.  BUT, come 1am it seemed to have resolved, so daddy and I took the leaf of faith and went to sleeeeeep.

I tell ya guys, I think we're pretty lucky.  His pukey night starts at 9:45 and ends just after midnight?  Wow.

So today we're keeping him home from daycare, just in case.  I'm trying to keep him on his daycare schedule (first nap at 9:30, second at 2:30) but I wasn't sure how he'd do considering I let him sleep him.  but so far, no noise from the crib.  We'll see!

So back to work!  Gotta get done what I can while he's sleeping! I also need to start looking at travel cots.  I'm kinda in love with the Samsonite travel pods.  SO cute!!

grief

So I think I may use this blog here to start dealing with my grief. I'm not sure I really want a whole bunch of people I know to read this, and since only a handful of people I know KNOW about this, and I haven't used it in years, it's perfect.

Mom died just over 2 months ago. And today John tagged pictures of her, Carl , dad and me in some of my photos. Well, I looked through them again and seeing her smiling and happy and cancer free just set me off again. It is so un-fecking fair that she had to be taken away from me so young. Yes, it's selfish... yes, she's in a better place, blah fecking blah blah. I want my mother back. I want her on the other end of the phone to talk to her about Jake's first day at day care. I want to send her pictures of her grandson and discuss how big he's getting. I want to talk about Juan and Helena's wedding next month and Yael getting engaged. But I can't do that because she's gone. Sure I can talk to the air, whatever.

I'm just so mad. And I'm not sure how long it'll take for the anger to go away. I don't unleash anger on anyone, but when I think about her being gone, I cry tears of anger and grief. I don't need people to hug me and tell me it's alright. To tell me she's in a better place and not hurting anymore. To give me sad eyes and hope that I'll pour all my grief on them. The idea that I'm not going to see my mother for potentially 60 years (I've I'm blessed to live into my 90's that is), is heartwrenching. And I just wish I could sense her, could feel her. I wish I got the heart in the fog like Linda did from her dad. Or the tinkling of the windchimes like Rob. How I WISH that I could just feel her presence.

And I keep thinking, mom died at 65. That's more than half my current life. When she had me, her life was HALF OVER. What would we do if we knew our life was half over. Is MY life half over? Is ovarian cancer going to kill me at 65 leaving Jake motherless too?

I just wish this pain would go away. Maybe if my mom wasn't so freaking amazing, but she was. And everyone knows it. When over 300 people show up to your calling hours, that says something about your life. She had so much more left to give, it's unfair. And I'm mad.

I am thinking that maybe going to some grief counseling would be good for me. Of course, I'd just cry through it all, starting with in the waiting room. But maybe I should try it anyways. At least I have my blog to spew my thoughts onto.