dole it out

So, I had a talk with God tonight.  On the way back from seeing Catwoman, we had a little chat.  I'm 99% sure Dan's not coming to Ireland with me.  He told me yesterday that him and his friend from law school signed a lease for an office.  That means he's now tied here.  He had told me a few days before that he had thought of telling Andy "no," and that he didn't want to break my heart.  I told him that if he only came to Ireland to not break my heart, that he would end up being resentful, and I would rather have a broken heart and an unresentful exboyfriend then be miserable in Ireland with a resentful boyfriend.  Either way I lose, really. 
I think anyone who every reads my stuff probably thinks Dan is a horrible, horrible guy.  He's really not.  He's just another in a line of loves that doesn't love me enough.  I beat myself up about it sometimes.  I'm not right enough for him to want to marry me.... or even just ask!  I am really good at finding the guys who love me and lose me and then find someone right after me who they'd say I'd like because we're SO much alike, and hey, we're getting married!  Fuck that.  No, Dan's not done anything like that.  He is a really good man.  Just not for me, I guess.  That's unfortunatly my mantra when I sense a relationship ending...But not for me.  Do you know the song?  It's Gershwin:
Old man sunshine listen you, never tell me dreams come true
Just try it, and I'll start a riot
Beatrice Fairfax don't you dare, ever tell me he will care
I'm certain, it's the final curtain
I never want to hear from any cheerful Polly Anna
Who tells you fate supplies a mate;  it's all bananas
They're writing songs of love, but not for me
The luck stars above are not for me
With love to lead the way, I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee
I was a fool to fall and get that way
Hey ho alas, and all so lack-a-day
Although I can't dismiss the memory of his kiss
I guess he's not for me
He's knocking on a door, but not for me
He'll plan a two-by-four, but not for me
I know that love's a game, I'm puzzled just the same
Was I the rock or flame, I'm all at sea
It all began so well, but what an end
This is the time a fella needs a friend
When every happy plot ends with the marriage knot
But there's no knot for me

Yea, pretty pathetic isn't it?  Anyways, I said earlier that I had a talk with God.  I did.  We talked about how I really am lucky in the broad perspective.  And I also prayed for my friends Renee, who was hurt badly in a freak boating accident, my friend Jessie, who was killed in a car accident recent and her family and for all the pain and suffering in this world, especially in Iraq with this stupid-ass fucking war.  Sorry, lost my temper a bit.  Anyways, I really am lucky to have so many people who love and support me.  So I decided it's time for me to give it back to them.  I told God not to give me any more "true loves."  It's OK if I never have one again, because I've HAD them.  Four men have loved me very much, and the important part, I loved them.  So why should I use up any more of the share of loves?  I told God to give them away to the people I love who could use a lasting relationship.  Kim, Yael, Brent, Lizzie-Pooh, Joelle, Summer, Jesse, Ciro, Alan, DAN (yes, I want him to find someone he can live the rest of his life happily with), Helen (to work it out and be happy with her man), Duckie, Monique, Josh, Mike L, Mike S and Steve-oh.  I'm sure I'm going to get struck down because I'm missing someone, and that I'm probably spreading it a little thin, but heck, everyone deserves love.
We also decided that maybe I don't need marriage.  I still intend to have children.  My plan was always to give birth but to also adopt.  Ok, so what if I don't give birth?  I can still adopt.  What's wrong with that?  And, so we decided that I'm going to give Ireland a year and see where I am then.  If I'm doing well, then I can start looking in Ireland for someone to adopt.  I don't see why I have to limit myself to America.  I do still see myself as a child, even if I am 28, but by January of 2006 (which would be one year in Ireland), I'll be almost 30.  I really am not a child, I just see myself as one.  I guess we all do in some ways.  I can't imagine at this point in my life, having full responsibility over someone other than myself.  I know I COULD do it, I just can't really imagine it.  I'll grow up some time, it's just hard getting used to the idea that I won't necessarily be following the path of love, marriage, kids that one is supposed to follow.  How about kids=love?  I like that path too.  Just give me time. 
I guess I should get my butt to bed.  Mike L said he's coming for a visit for the weekend, which means I have to get my apartment clean... a very monstrous task if you know me... which I'm sure you don't as I don't think anyone I know knows I have this blog.  Well, Jesse knows I HAVE a blog, but he doesn't know what my name is.  I'm sure Dan might read this as he and I do share a computer and he might see the site in this history, but if he reads it, I can't imagine surprising him too much.  Maybe I should write more....